I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
