Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want to make out with him forever
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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