high people should be assigned attendants
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
