I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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