A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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