its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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