I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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