what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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