You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
