So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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