I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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