Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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