I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
