They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
