My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
