drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
