We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
