I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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