matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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