u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
