literally had 100 drinks last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
