my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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