He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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