I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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