Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's the barista slut.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
