dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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