I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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