just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
