I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
