Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
