He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
