you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
