so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
