woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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