you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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