You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
