I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
