Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
