when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have demons in me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
