Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
