some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
