I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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