The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
