I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.