He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore