Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And then the night went full on bisexual.