No stitches, just platelets and will power
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
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