the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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