He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
