ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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