I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
