'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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