He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
