I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
