Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
