Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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