New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
