Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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